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What Working in a Porn Store Does to Your Sex Life

Written by on July 8, 2020

Eugene S. Robinson, Editor-at-Large

EUGENE, SIR: I like sexually adventurous sex partners. Three months in, though, I can’t deal with a partner who’s been in what most would call “a gang bang.” Not forced to be in one. Chose it. Apparently, this was a fantasy of theirs. Now I got to deal with this. I know I should be able to have a nice post-modern “laugh” about it. But, no. Is my response normal? Just a little validation here, please. — Not Ready for Any Close-Ups

Dear Candide Camera: Is your response “normal”? That word means less here than it almost ever really means. Used here it seems like it’s used to mean “standard,” and I can’t even really guarantee that since while there’s not a lot known about the gang bang in question, one thing we DO know is that there were a gaggle of people there. So, for them normal? Well, clearly, for them normal was being right where they were.

So I’ll say this, in an effort to reduce the world into smaller, much more easily understandable blocks: There are two types of people in the world — those who dig on gang bangs and those who do not. If you’re in the first group, I’d have to assume that you’re about just not being there and this is solvable. Plan another and be at that one.

If you’re in the latter group, and yeah, you’re probably not alone here, no amount of equivocating around your partner having sex with 20 people at a single time will make sense to you. Not at three months in, not at three years. You’re probably never going to “get it.” And you know what? That’s OK.

Next step for you is to weigh the positives (whatever has kept you there through the writing of your query) against the negatives (the images that are apparently plaguing your waking hours), and decide what you want to live with and for how long and plan accordingly. Good luck.

When Working in a Porn Store Was a Thing

EUGENE, SIR: I worked in a porn store when I was in college. Guys were usually totally freaked that I was there in the first place or totally happy about it. But this sort of fucked up my relationships and not for the expected reasons. But because I’ve seen a lot, so now I find most men in bed to be really vanilla, and the least sexy thing in the world is me trying to coach them into “wild.” Can’t advertise for this either. You get creeps. You’re a sexologist, so tell me where can I go to get guys that are game! — Name withheld by request

Dear Faster Pussycat Kill Kill: Ah, where humble brags abound. You know there’s a goodly amount in the world of pornography that seems to me to be the least inspired smack around, so claiming this as a sexy qualifier is maybe like saying because you eat at McDonald’s a lot you know something about food.

Nah. You know about a certain type of experience and that’s OK. So I have to understand that what you really want is a more perfect match, someone who specifically has had their instincts trued up against whatever San Fernando Valley porn producers have thrown at their (and your) id.

Porn is so pervasive that these people should be easy to find. So I say here, as I have said before, find yourself what they call a “lifestyle” group and pretty much anyone in there will have very specific kinks that you should feel free to pick and choose from. This should work. Unless your specific kink was complaining. Then I’m here for that, baby! All day, every day! 

Angling for Greater Girth

EUGENE, SIR: Are there sexual positions that maximize absence of girth? I know if a penis is too long, a shortened stroke during sex works or I can move my hips out, but what if the girth is a little less than needed? Which works best for a position I can move into without making a big deal out of it? — Amy

Dear Ms. Aimee: Hahaha … see what you did there? “Big deal,” haha … yeah, sorry. Been a long day and crypto-penis queries, well, let’s just say I’m a little punchy.

But girth? OK, you don’t say whether or not length is an issue as well, and from all field reports length can be worked into something that might successfully compensate for the girth absence. However, good of you to seek a positional edge and even better to have surmised that going public with this betwixt and between your erstwhile partner will, sad to say, create … friction (sorry).

So, yes, any position that lets you get your legs closer together comes close to being something that works. That is, keeping your knees together no matter what position you’re in. Of course this will seem less strange in positions where it’s standard for the knees to be together — him behind you, you both standing — but if you’re horizontal, you on your stomach might work as well. And by “work,” I mean not draw attention to what it is that you’re doing.

Give it a try, see if it works. Write back if it doesn’t. We aim to please!

WHY YOU SHOULD CARE

Because if change is a constant, changing for the better isn’t.

Getting a Bang Out of the Gang

EUGENE, SIR: I like sexually adventurous sex partners. Three months in, though, I can’t deal with a partner who’s been in what most would call “a gang bang.” Not forced to be in one. Chose it. Apparently this was a fantasy of theirs. Now I got to deal with this. I know I should be able to have a nice post-modern “laugh” about it. But, no. Is my response normal? Just a little validation here, please. — Not Ready for Any Close-Ups

Dear Candide Camera: Is your response “normal”? That word means less here than it almost ever really means. Used here it seems like it’s used to mean “standard,” and I can’t even really guarantee that since while there’s not a lot known about the gang bang in question, one thing we DO know is that there were a gaggle of people there. So, for them normal? Well, clearly, for them normal was being right where they were.

So I’ll say this, in an effort to reduce the world into smaller, much more easily understandable blocks: There are two types of people in the world — those who dig on gang bangs and those who do not. If you’re in the first group, I’d have to assume that you’re about just not being there and this is solvable. Plan another and be at that one.

If you’re in the latter group, and yeah, you’re probably not alone here, no amount of equivocating around your partner having sex with 20 people at a single time will make sense to you. Not at three months in, not at three years. You’re probably never going to “get it.” And you know what? That’s OK.

Next step for you is to weigh the positives (whatever has kept you there through the writing of your query) against the negatives (the images that are apparently plaguing your waking hours), and decide what you want to live with and for how long and plan accordingly. Good luck.

When Working in a Porn Store Was a Thing

EUGENE, SIR: I worked in a porn store when I was in college. Guys were usually totally freaked that I was there in the first place or totally happy about it. But this sort of fucked up my relationships and not for the expected reasons. But because I’ve seen a lot, so now I find most men in bed to be really vanilla, and the least sexy thing in the world is me trying to coach them into “wild.” Can’t advertise for this either. You get creeps. You’re a sexologist, so tell me where can I go to get guys that are game! — Name withheld by request

Dear Faster Pussycat Kill Kill: Ah, where humble brags abound. You know there’s a goodly amount in the world of pornography that seems to me to be the least inspired smack around, so claiming this as a sexy qualifier is maybe like saying because you eat at McDonald’s a lot you know something about food.

Nah. You know about a certain type of experience and that’s OK. So I have to understand that what you really want is a more perfect match, someone who specifically has had their instincts trued up against whatever San Fernando Valley porn producers have thrown at their (and your) id.

Porn is so pervasive that these people should be easy to find. So I say here, as I have said before, find yourself what they call a “lifestyle” group and pretty much anyone in there will have very specific kinks that you should feel free to pick and choose from. This should work. Unless your specific kink was complaining. Then I’m here for that, baby! All day, every day! 

Angling for Greater Girth

EUGENE, SIR: Are there sexual positions that maximize absence of girth? I know if a penis is too long, a shortened stroke during sex works or I can move my hips out, but what if the girth is a little less than needed? Which works best for a position I can move into without making a big deal out of it? — Amy

Dear Ms. Aimee: Hahaha … see what you did there? “Big deal,” haha … yeah, sorry. Been a long day and crypto-penis queries, well, let’s just say I’m a little punchy.

But girth? OK, you don’t say whether or not length is an issue as well, and from all field reports length can be worked into something that might successfully compensate for the girth absence. However, good of you to seek a positional edge and even better to have surmised that going public with this betwixt and between your erstwhile partner will, sad to say, create … friction (sorry).

So, yes, any position that lets you get your legs closer together comes close to being something that works. That is, keeping your knees together no matter what position you’re in. Of course this will seem less strange in positions where it’s standard for the knees to be together — him behind you, you both standing — but if you’re horizontal, you on your stomach might work as well. And by “work,” I mean not draw attention to what it is that you’re doing.

Give it a try, see if it works. Write back if it doesn’t. We aim to please!


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